In the world of high-priced corporate mergers that are more valuable than they are worth, you may have heard that WarnerMedia and Discovery have been in the process of completing a 43-billion-dollar merger—which likely won’t be done til’ next year if everything goes right. And don’t hold your breath for a new name: It is Warner Bros. Discovery, because yeah, being original is a chore and naming new things is hard—regardless of whether or not you have the resources available to actually do it.
But for the degree of fanfare that has started to surround this deal in recent weeks, especially after Amazon’s forthcoming acquisition of MGM, let’s be real: this isn’t going to change shit. It’s not going to translate to better streaming options, pricing models, or even better movies for that matter. And while a large price tag, fancy names, and wall to wall media coverage may make some investors happy about the potentiality of such a deal taking place, the scope of this deal will fail to do the one thing that it, and many other deals like it, have attempted to do in the past: beat Netflix at their own game.
Let’s be honest for a second: Over the last 5 years, every single streaming service provider has been part and parcel of some kind of “deal” that will effectively expand its content options, while at the same time, increasing the product’s overall market share relative to that of Netflix. And keep in mind: merging is pretty much the last thing all of these companies have done before going on to admit defeat. Don’t believe me? Let’s follow the formula. First, companies think they can compete off of the strength of their name recognition. Then they think they can compete off of the strength of their legacy catalog of IPs. Finally, when both of those don’t work out, they “bundle” their services together so as to make what is a fairly paltry content offering for 15 bucks a month seem ever so slightly more appealing.
Keep in mind, that all the while, Netflix and Amazon are now effectively the only streaming providers that have not bundled themselves in with someone else.
Hell, let’s be honest and admit there is a good reason for that: Almost none of the competing services are actually worth the amount of money they are asking for. That is why Disney+ is now getting bundled with Hulu and ESPN, while HBO is getting bundled with Cartoon Network, DC Universe, and a rogue’s gallery of other peasant-tier content providers, while WarnerMedia and Discovery Represent the latest unremarkable installment in this trend. Of course, I’m sure they are hoping such a move will allow for them to justify a $10 price tag on a joint catalog of content. Naturally, this would allow for whatever service they deliver to have a price tag that is potentially more in line with Disney, HBO, and Netflix’ offerings, but I feel like there is a grave miscalculation being made here: Warner Brothers is starting to become increasingly known for rolling out crappy movies, and even crappier TV shows, while Discovery+ is literally the bottom of the barrel of streaming services.
And I’m not being hyperbolic either. Almost all of the DC universe movies are bad, short of Wonder Woman—which even got poor reviews on release. People are saying Space Jam 2 is gonna be rat fucked based on the descriptions, and while Mortal Kombat was the best Mortal Kombat movie ever made, that statement means dick when you know the first two films were smoldering trash heaps. And while there have been bright spots so far in movies such as Judas and the Black Messiah as well as Tenet, so far I have felt little burning desire to turn on HBO Now to catch the latest WB premiere. Hell, at this point I’m pretty much just holding out for The Matrix 4 and Dune. As far as Discovery is concerned, I mean, who wants to pay 7 bucks a month to mentally chain-smoke episodes of the divorced couple that builds houses together, some fat bastard with frosted tips and Oakleys eating himself to a triple-bypass, or 10 dead cats getting fished out of some old woman’s apartment that is brimming with old magazines, animal shit, and lint?
The point is that even if these two businesses do come together, the merger itself will do nothing to actually address the endemic problems that plague both content catalogs. Whether these issues are related to creative direction, budget—or hell, who is even directing the fucking project—these issues can only be solved from the top of these two companies.
But hey, never mind if this merger will actually mean anything good for the customer: It’ll just be another ten-dollar service that gates off content, delivers little value, and more than anything, attempts to compensate for the idea that these companies are late to the party and are likely better served by being someone else’s content creator. Does that sound good for the consumer?
Ah, it probably is, but fuck you, amiright? Everybody’s gotta’ shoot their shot.
No Comments